It started with a coffee and it ended with a coffee. The first sip of the day – an injection of caffeine, the sweet rush of adrenalin; floating on cloud nine. You were the ultimate high and the perfect distraction. Just one more sip, but suddenly the anxiety kicked in. My heart was on fire and nothing could quench the smouldering flames that engulfed myself. The magical euphoria soon dissipated and the cracks appeared, a violent earthquake. My mind went into overdrive and for the first time in my life, I realised what it was like to feel alive – Hello Heartbreak…
– Holly Lenny
I recently wrote on my Instagram about toying with the idea of bringing back new videos to my YouTube channel. It was met with positivity, so thank you for your words of encouragement. However, my return came with a forewarning; I’ve changed, a lot. I often see other people in the social media sphere address the evolution of their self. “You’re not like you used to be in your old videos!” People are attracted to the version of you they first fall in love with. They resonate with you, the familiarity. It feels good. When you change and evolve, it makes them question themselves. The ego is a strong entity, always seeking identification. To become better versions of ourselves we must ask questions, learn, grow and change.
2019 was the year that made me question everything about myself – who am I? what do I want? where am I going? I’m not sure if it was an actual ‘mental breakdown’ or I simply opened my eyes and became conscious to the world around me. Moving to Amsterdam was the catalyst of change in my life. I loved it, hated it, resented it, embraced it, all of the emotions. I refer to myself as the cat of Amsterdam – I’ve lived nine lives already in my 1.5 years here.
Growing up in Ireland was an insular environment with conservative values, which meant many topics were frowned upon and not discussed. I always knew I had the curiosity for more, exploration and investigation into my unknown. My move to the Middle East was the perfect distraction as a broke University graduate – consumerism. Lots of shiny toys and world records to break, but no meaning beneath the surface. Every time I felt unhappy or lost in myself, a quick purchase from a fast fashion retailer gave me the instant gratification. But of course, akin to fast food, it’s not a nutritious or healthy diet to address your underlying emotions. Amsterdam was different – mind bogglingly different! I felt more of a culture shock here to anywhere else I’d ever lived! In an article I wrote about the Dutch and their lack of curtains, delving into their history with the Calvinist religion, giving logic to their ways of thinking. Suddenly status, physical appearance, material possessions, religion, wealth, and these fruitless aspects that I held as the utmost importance became redundant. Who am I now?
I started living with Emma in Dubai and we instantly connected. It’s a really special feeling to be able to relate with another being on a deep level – platonically or intimately. The seed of potential in two people, connecting the spirit, creating pure magic! Deep life discussions for hours, so many laughs and kilos of popcorn consumed. Although we now live thousands of kilometres apart, our friendship has actually strengthened. I began asking questions in Dubai before I left. Emma told me to buy ‘A New Earth – Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose’ by Eckhart Tolle. I bought the book, flicked through the pages, but nothing clicked. I didn’t understand any of it. I craved her outcome. I was disappointed to say the least because I was so accustomed to instantaneous quick fixes. I BOUGHT this book, why didn’t it give me my return on investment? Oh, how flawed my way of thinking was!
Then life happened, a lot of life happened in Amsterdam. Friendships, relationships, professional, home, family, everything all at once! I had to address the parts of my Being that I never knew about or happily blocked out into my subconscious mind. My new landlady recently described it so well – “You need to clean the blinds because although they look clean in the dark, when the sun shines on them, you will be see the dust.” I think this analogy perfectly describes everything.
I always loved creating content on my platform. However, I didn’t feel like I was adding value anymore. Consumerism and surface level conversation began to personally bore me. I was overwhelmed by all these things that were supposed to make me happy, but added to my anxiety. I want to be open and share my discoveries, thoughts and feelings on this platform. I think living in the present has more value than the latest lipstick that will leave you unsatisfied the following week. I have so many stories to share and I look forward to sharing them with you.
Happy New Year!